Two things about his well articulated retort hit me very personally. The first is that it reminded me once again that for all of the armor he displays of rolled eyes, sighs, and "whatever" he still clearly cares very much about what I think and how I view him. It hurts his feelings to think that I am disappointed in him or don't view him as capable of handling his own work.
The second arrow to my heart though pierced even more deeply and has continued to fester since. The fact is, simply, that he is right. Even though I hadn't been mad at him when I was speaking, I knew exactly what he meant, and even more, I knew exactly how he felt. I knew because I had heard that same tone before from my own mother. I knew right then and there that I have inherited her tendency to become too intense in my words and manner- resembling anger- when really my emotions are rooted in worry and concern.
I am rarely truly angry at my children. My mother was rarely truly angry at us. She was and is a loving mother who primarily operates at a pleasant level, with a decent sense of humor, and a reasonably long fuse. She was not a yeller, and nor am I. However, I can look back now and recognize that many of the times I felt she was angry with me were really examples of her great concern. I do the same thing. I get worried about Big J's nonchalant approach to life, I try to offer him suggestions and motivation, and somewhere along the way I know that my voice gets pinched, my mouth gets tight, and my hands start waving around in far too much excitement. It looks like anger, it sounds like anger, and he hates it. So do I.
I need to find a voice that communicates concern, interest and optimism. I swear I am going to start practicing in the mirror. Seriously, that's what I am going to do. I can change this. I know I can. I'm just like The Little Engine That Could... I know I can... I know I can... I know I can...
Oh, and I'll probably pray about it too. That certainly couldn't hurt either.
6 comments:
I really relate to this Lori. In my case I do get angry. Anger in response to worry. Because I worry so much more than him, and I want him to care about his life as much as I do. It's unfair, I know. But I fall into the same trap over and over. Praying for you. And for me. This parenting gig is hard.
Kids hear what they want to hear. What he might be doing is picking up on your frustration that it is so hard for him (and you know his frustration with it)
Lori, you always seem to do what you set out to do, so I'm sure you'll find the voice you want!
Motherhood is definitely a journey. We learn so much about ourselves as we are reflected in our children.
i use that voice too often, and it is usually directed at my middle child. I am always bothered when it is used. Prayer.
I think we all use that voice sometimes-perhaps more than we wish we would. I know there have been times when I've sounded angry but was actually afraid. It's hard to keep it in check but with practice, I think you will learn to change it-if not all of the time, most of it anyway.
Good luck
I think it's great that Big J was able to articulate that so well, and that you really heard him. I can really relate to this post, Lori, as I often find myself using my "mother's voice," passed down from my mother. I don't want my kids to feel the way I did, either. Sounds like we all need prayer in this regard!
I can relate as well, I hate it when I say and do things with my kids that hurt me when my mother did them. I find my interactions with my eldest are often filled with this.
Prayer is definitely part of the answer. You are such a terrific mom, good for you for being so aware.
Thanks for all your prayers and congratulations. Baby and I are doing really well.
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