Still, they were hard, complicated years and I was not always the mother my boys probably needed me to be.
A quick recap:
2003- Became pregnant with twins after 2+ years of going through fertility therapy; unexpectedly had to change schools for reasons beyond our control and not to our liking; started a new school while quite largely pregnant with twins; lost twins two months into the new school year. Grieving commenced.
2004- Still grieving lost babies; became pregnant again; learned my father was diagnosed with cancer.
2005- Still grieving lost babies; new baby born; Dad dies; now caught up in the throes of grieving father while mothering a rather high-need infant.
2006- Still grieving all of the above, still busy mothering beautiful baby- but the fog begins to lift...
And the thing is, when that fog lifted, my boy that had been all of 8 years old when this all started was now 11. And I think I missed some crucial windows of opportunity during that foggy, overwhelming time. He didn't lack for hugs, or smiles, or kisses good night. He didn't lack for love or even attention. What he missed out on was having a fully attuned, intentional mother. I gave him what I had and what came naturally, which was my love, but I didn't have the energy to think of what he might need beyond that. I wasn't looking for where he needed guidance, or support, or critical lessons about life and what lies ahead.
He made it easy, that one. He's a pretty simple guy with pretty simple needs. That's how he likes it, smooth and easy... everything on the level. Don't get too deep, don't push too hard, and we'll get along just fine.
But at 8 years old he was a little more open... a little more willing to hear, to talk, to listen. And I missed that.
4 comments:
Oh the guilt, eh?
Us moms are so hard on ourselves, but the stakes are sometimes so high.
The question is, did you miss something? Really? Or are 1st borns and personalities such, that what was, would have been anyway. That darn hindsight, makes it much easier to see where we could have done differently, but would we have? Could we have?
ITFL- Exactly. I don't know? Given his personality we very likely would still be where we are today. Me, trying to reach out to him and get him to open up more, and him, trying to get me to leave him alone and keep things on a nice, easy, superficial level. Even as a little boy he never liked things too deep and real, if you know what I mean.
He's a cool cat, that boy- but I also know there is much more there than meets the eye and it's my job to keep trying to hear his heart, not his bravado. If only it were easier!!
It really does suck that we can't hit a pause button on our children when we are consumed by other life issues.
OTOH, pretty much every mom I know with a child who just hit the double digits reports that the parental ground shifts beneath your feet then. So even though you might feel like you could have been in a slightly better place if life had otherwise gone more perfectly ... well, maybe it's just testosterone, and has nothing to do with much else?
Maybe Lost Moments would be another phrase to attach to these years. But I can clearly see how the grief and guilt would settle in.
There is only one time when I questioned my mothers judgment and even then I still knew she was doing the best she could. I don't think I am any worse off and believe I gained a valuable lesson in its place.
I hope knowing that helps in some way. ~Hugs~
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