Today I popped in there just to get my precious diet soda (yeah, whatever, sue me), and she happily revealed to me that she is expecting twins.
Now, I've been at this long enough now that it wasn't any trouble for me to smile and offer her my most sincere best wishes. She told me she is really happy and excited and I told her that she should be, that it is wonderful news.
What surprised me was how much I wanted to tell her that I too was once expecting twins. That I had twins. That I know that excitement of planning for two babies to arrive at once. I wanted to share the good parts, but there was no way to do that without also sharing the bad. And sharing my own sad experience would not have been fair at all to her in the midst of her own happiness. She doesn't need my cautionary tale. I'm sure she has plenty of worries all of her own making. She's only 17 weeks along, she doesn't need me planting the thought that 7 weeks from now it could all be over, especially when in all likelihood it won't be. She, like the majority of other mothers who carry twins, will probably bring her babies home. And that is exactly what I want for her.
I got in the car and found myself needing to take a few deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I felt the tears starting to rise and I didn't want them to. I just didn't. So I stopped them, but somehow I haven't been able to lift the heavy weight that has settled on my heart since our conversation. Sometimes you can only push aside so much.
So much has gotten better in the past five years, but some things... I think they will just always be hard.
12 comments:
I could totally see wanting to share that you too, once planned for twins. And how hard it must have been to not rain on her parade. And I would never ever expect the threat of tears to go away. As you said, something will just always be hard. HUGS!!!
I for one would have liked to have heard that pregnancies go bad. Only after Serenity died, did co-workers and friends come up to say that they had a stillbirth. Didn't do me a lick of good at that point.
Maybe if approached with some planning... now that the initial shock is over.
((Lori,))
Oh, I'm struck by how sweet you are for wanting to protect her innocence. That's just so generous of you.
And you *are* a mom of twins and have that in common with her, even if she doesn't know it.
It was really considerate and thoughtful of you to put your desire aside in light of what she might take away from your conversation.
I hope the weight eases soon as I am sure it never really goes away. ~Hugs~
It was very kind of you not to say anything, truly amazing.
Personally, I try to stop myself, although sometimes I end up telling the person afterwards, after their baby arrives safely and is healthy.
It will change, maybe not in five years, maybe it will take longer, but it gets a little easier and maybe a little different I think every year that passes.
Lori,
I can see how this would throw you for a loop-this is someone in your "everyday life" whom you don't have much contact with but the contact you did have was so easy, so simple and so uncomplicated-just a little friendly chit-chat and "how ya doings" kind of thing. Now that's all been turned upside down for you. It's almost as if a little bit of your "everyday safe world" has been stolen-if that makes any sense.
I also understand the desire to share that you are a mom to twins, too. I have that when I see triplets or hear of someone pg with triplets. It's very awkward because you can't share the excitement fully-even though you understand it-without sharing the sadness, too, which isn't always fair or appropriate. You feel a connection of sorts to the woman but you can't share in that connection without making it awkward, therefore changing the connection. I guess that's one of the things that makes being a loss mom so difficult-the isolation from sharing in the joy and the sorrow in these situations.
Anyway, I'm proud of you for the way you handled it because you did what you believe is right, even though it was painful for you and that's not an easy thing to do.
(((hugs)))
April
It's funny because it didn't strike me as particularly generous or thoughtful not to say anything to her about my twins- though I appreciate you gals saying so. As much as I might have wanted to, it didn't really occur to me that I ever would. I just don't have that sort of relationship with this woman and it really would have felt out of place to open up about something so personal and sad. That's the hard part, there is no way for me to casually mention being the mother of twins because the follow up questions would ultimately lead to the sad ending of the story.
April- as usual I think you hit it on the head. It's just hard to think that what once was a mundane, effortless part of my day to day living will now hold the potential for more awkward conversations, and hard moments for me. Sigh... it may even take the pleasure out of my occasional diet soda. Rats.
I heard someone talking about being "out of the woods" at 28 weeks earlier this month and my stomach practically turned inside out - 29 weeks was when we found out about Teddy's hernia. It's hard being around pregnant women without being terrified for them sometimes, and you've got it so right - many women don't need or really want to hear (or meet) the cautionary tales.
My new reaction to hearing about a pregnancy is "I hope your baby lives," and I've bitten my tongue now a few times so I don't say it out loud...
Lori,
You are such a generous kind woman.
Bless you as you carry your heaviness through the day.
Hugs.
Holding you in my heart today.
sometimes i think about what would have happened if i'd lost the more likely of my pregnancies- the triplets. there are way more twin gestations to pop up for you than there would have been triplets for me, but still...not having those THREE babies...it blows my mind. i'm grieving over the one i lost, of course, but i wonder what it would have been like to not have them and run into triplets that made it. i freak out when i think about how blase i was; how sure i was everything would be fine. crazy.
it must be hard to be confronted with that special situation and feel so, so sad.
You know that I can't know what this is like for you. Not first hand. I have learned a lot about the grieving process from coming here. But, if I could imagine one thing you would never truly get over, it must be the loss of a child. Or in your case two.
It seems perfectly natural that you would want to share your story of your twins, and perfectly gracious of you that you didn't. Praying for you, friend.
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