I live in a highly secularized area of the country. We are, in fact, statistically one of the most "unchurched" populations in the nation. We have plenty of zealots in our area, they just tend to be fanatical about things like politics, the environment, or public transportation. Even within our communities of faith it can be hard to determine who is there primarily out of a sense of tradition/obligation, and who is there because of deeply held spiritual beliefs. To be a Christian, an open, practicing Christian, is an act of defiance against the majority in this city. Or, at least it feels that way at times.
Big J loves skateboarding. He also loves watching skateboard videos on Youtu.be. Our computer is in a central location of the house and his Yo.utube account goes through my email so I have full access to his viewing habits and any communications he might receive via that medium. Therefore, under our watchful eye, we allow him his You.tube.
This morning I received an YT email notifying J of some new videos posted by some of his favorite skateboarders. Normally I scan these emails quickly, make sure they appear on the up and up, and then delete. But this morning the title of one of the videos caught my eye. It referenced the name of the summer camp Big J has attended every summer since he was in the 4th grade. This camp is his favorite because it has a large, covered skate park and thus offers skateboarding as one of its many activity options. J has loved that camp every single summer he has attended and always comes home beaming and excited and talking about how he wants to be a counselor there someday. Let's call the camp, Camp Skate.
One of the videos listed in my email today was titled, "Camp Skate Sucks."
Camp Skate is a Christian camp. It is a very open, honest Christian camp. It does not pretend to be otherwise and it is clear in every piece of PR they put out that they are a Christian camp. What this means for the kids is that they pray before meals, sing a few God-songs at campfire, and pray with their counselors before bed. That's about it. Other than that, it is a camp with swimming, and crafts, and archery, and moto-x, and skateboarding etc.. etc.. etc... As I said before, Big J has loved it.
During the non-summer months, Camp Skate opens the skatepark during certain hours for kids to come and skateboard for a small fee. They are still quite clear that they are a Christian organization and they consider this part of their ministry. I believe at the end of the session they ask the kids to gather together and they say a short group prayer and then send them on their way. Again, they make no secret of who they are and what they are about.
I checked out this video "Camp Skate Sucks" and while the video itself wasn't too bad, the comments from the boys who attended one of these sessions made my heart sink. They claim to have been unaware it was a Christian skatepark. I don't know how they missed that one. I have never seen a piece of advertising or PR for this camp that wasn't very forthright about their affiliation and intentions. They claim that all they heard was that there would be free Gatorade and so they decided to go.
Their comments weren't surprising to me. I know that not very many kids these days view religious beliefs and practices in a positive light. What was upsetting to me was thinking about how Big J might feel if he should read their comments. The boys were clearly very annoyed and disgusted by the Christian affiliation. One of the comments read, "it is a Christian skatepark-sooooo g.ay!!!" Which is an offensive comment on so many levels.
The part that really bothered me though, on behalf of my son, was their very clear insinuation that anyone who would regularly skate at this skatepark, or profess themselves to be a Christian, is not only idiotic, but not a true skateboarder. In fact, one of them wrote that he thought it was "weird" that any kid would go to this skatepark by choice. A Christian who skateboards? Obviously you would have to be completely and totally lame.
I don't know if Big J will see this video or not and I am torn about whether or not to say anything to him about it. You have to remember, he is our kid who is never enthusiastic about any conversation that might get deep and real. I'm not even sure I could get him to talk about this or admit to having seen it even if I tried. But I do wonder how he feels about these kinds of comments and attitudes. I wonder if he shrugs them off or if they get into his psyche and make him doubt who we are and everything he has been taught? I wonder if it will make him self-conscious about the camp he attends, or telling other skateboarders the name of his school (a Christian school)? Just how much courage and self-awareness can we expect from a 14 year old boy?
It makes me wonder. It makes me worry. It makes me sad.
12 comments:
Wow, that's a hard one. The youth did the service at my church today, and part of it was a wonderful bit where they stood up and did the "I am's" of who they are in Christ. Unfortunately, our society gives kids so many labels, that they can't help but pick some of them up.
I think maybe a comment that you found this to be unfortunate, and that you were aware that your son had a wonderful time at this camp, and that it was sad that some kids didn't have a great time, and had to be mean about it.
I have a rather large number of reactions to this. The first is that I have to greatly disagree with your overall point/premise. It was a revolutionary thing for President Obama to mention non-believers in his inaugural, and it is rather apparent that it will take a long long time before an atheist can become President of this country. In the same vein, try explaining to a five year old what is this Christmas thing that everyone seems to be celebrating and why is it that we don't.
I don't mind the last bit much. I am very secure in both my identity and my faith, and I am of the belief that it is possible to explain anything and everything to a kid. Including that a knee-jerk oppositional reaction of the minority standing up for their difference, the little too-obvious "I never wanted what you have anyway" bit is not a good way to go either. As an example I am talking about the conversation I had with Monkey after the kindergartners decided that they "hate Christmas." She couldn't explain what they hated about it, but if I am to put it into words for them, it's being excluded and being railroaded into either pretending to celebrate it or outing self as other. So we talked about how they don't actually hate this holiday just for being someone else's, and how what we should actually be doing is celebrating the good things in our lives and not focusing on someone else's cultural identifiers.
I could also talk about deepest wounds being self-inflicted, and about how these kids disliking organized religion may be less to do with them being raised wrong and more with the action of some very loud and very self-important Christians. KWIM?
But the particular story... What I think is in play is ignorance (which I don't think is exactly a uniquely heathen problem, but I hear is somewhat prevalent among adolescents) and fear of the other (which is rather common in any insular group).
It would be great if parents of these kids talked to them about the fact that just because they never met a cool skater who is also a devout Christian doesn't mean such a person a) doesn't exist, or b) isn't someone they would like very much. But I know that may not be the likeliest thing to happen.
On your end I think I would bring it up with Big J. I think it can't hurt to ask him what it is about Camp Skate that keeps bringing him back, how the camp is connected for him to his faith, and what about his faith is important to him. It may be an unorthodox opening for a deep discussion, but maybe that's just the kind of opening a kid like Big J needs. Or maybe the conversation can be about whether it is important to him what these other kids think about Christianity and about the camp, and about whether if it is he is willing to talk to them about it.
Mrs. Spit- Thanks so much. It was definitely a protective reaction on my part. I just felt sorry for my son that he would see comments from other kids he sort of admires (for their skateboarding) and feel judged by them.
Julia- I really hesitated to post this because well... you know me, I don't like to get too controversial. :) I appreciate your honest perspective and I'm glad to know you don't agree that it is particularly difficult to raise a child of faith in this country. I have to say that I still disagree. But that is based solely on my personal opinion and experience.
It seems you feel I was judging these boys for their non-belief, which I really wasn't. I agree that their behavior was very typically adolescent and nothing about their reactions shocked me. My reaction was purely one of dismay for my son and what his feelings might be. I also don't think they are the classiest bunch, but again that has nothing to do with them not being Christians but has everything to do with the way they chose to respond to their experience. They could have just left at the end of the session, laughed and rolled their eyes together and agreed it wasn't for them and they wouldn't go back. Instead, they posted a mean video on YT, called the camp out specifically and let their comments fly. That choice of response would annoy me regardless of what they were choosing to attack.
Your choice of words like "heathen" (which I never said or suggested) and the caution that they probably know some "loud, self-important" Christians pretty much sums it up. You see, I don't feel I can say anything about my faith, about my beliefs, about my desire to raise my children to be Christians without being judged to be intolerant, narrow-minded, and exclusive. I'm sure that some people come by those judgments honestly, but a lot of people are merely reacting to the caricature of Christianity that is put out by the media and Hollywood. Regardless, it is hurtful for me considering I don't know a single Christian personally that you could ascribe those labels to. Not one. And it makes me sad and frustrated that that is the perception that is so widely held and accepted.
C'mon, Lori, are you serious? Pat Robertson? Should I list the man's lovely loud and self-important quotes for you? Rob Parseley (or however he is spelled)? Should I keep going? And please, give me the respect to acknowledge that I get my judgments from the source (i.e. from these people themselves) and am not the victim of Hollywood portrayals.
Notice that I am not talking about the many people in RL or on the net who are led by their Christian faith (you and Mrs.Spit come readily to mind). I am talking about people (who often seek and find ways to be amplified by mass media) whose ideas I personally find abhorrent, the view which I know to be shared by many many people.
I am sorry to have used the word "heathen." I use it often, as a joke, to describe myself. I use it even to describe our observance level with respect to many more observant families in Monkey's (intentionally pluralistic) Jewish school. I intended it to be a light-hearted comment, but I clearly missed the mark there. I am sorry.
I agree with you on the level of class or luck thereof displayed by this group of boys. But here's the thing. If they chose to attack in the same way kids with a particular style of haircut, and say Big J wore that style and no other, would you be lamenting now how hard it is to raise kids with that hairstyle in this country?
My point is that adolescents are a tough crowd, sometimes (often?) cruel; that they need guidance and, sometimes, a confrontation designed to make them think and to break through insecurity-induced knee-jerkiness and herd mentality that are often the hallmark of that age; that there are legitimate reasons to be upset about this particular situation; BUT that I find it hard to generalize it the way you do. Religion, and Christianity in particular, is still a dominant identifier of a "good person" and "trustworthy leader" in this country. Which, if you ask me is not how it should be, but is very much how it is.
I said I didn't know any loud and self-important Christians personally. By personally, I mean personally. I mean people that I actually know and interact with. I am well aware there are Christians in the public eye who do not characterize my faith in a positive light. That's what bothers me- the idea that the majority are judged by the minority. I also said that I am sure that many people come by their perceptions honestly, and I meant that. But I do think there are others whose perceptions are formed by what they read and see on TV. That's true of all sorts of groups and issues.
And no, I would not be bothered by an attack on something trivial like a hairstyle. I'm not sure how that even equates to something as personal as faith? And my experience, my own personal experience of raising a teenager in my city, in my little corner of the world, is still that it is not easy to raise a child to have faith.
This was all just my opinion based on my experience. I get it, you want me to see that Christians still have a majority in our society and so therefore I guess I have nothing to fret about. It just doesn't feel that way to me a lot of the time. And I didn't mean to elevate this one incident as some sort of barometer for today's culture and kids. This was just a moment that came along that I wasn't expecting, and I wrote about it. That's all. It was my own catharsis and way to work out my thoughts. But I'm done now.
Shoot...I hope that it was not the comments on this post that have made you decide to end blogging.
I have enjoyed hearing your take on everything. And the conversations we have had.
I am firmly in the camp on being respectful, even if you do not agree with the other person. And that is what the boys, with their video, were not. But, it is what I hope to teach my children. Because, whether it is faith, or non-faith, or lifestyle, or politics, there is so much that we might not agree with other people about.
And I think what you are hoping for, and I what I hope for, is that out children can learn to be secure enough in their beliefs and ideals, that they can hold strong to these, even with others might make fun, or not understand, or care.
I don't mean to say that you have nothing to fret about, just that it was a very large leap from the incident to the conclusion, and that I couldn't make that leap with you. It's possible that having been in minority one way or another my entire life (and conscious of it from the age of six) I am just not bothered by it in the same way. I interface with the majority culture, overlapping in some places and diverging 180 degrees in others, always knowing why, always able to articulate and defend, never allowing bashing of either side. I don't judge any group by individual representatives, though I wince muchly when it's my group that is represented badly (I am looking at you, Senator Lieberman). I call out my own (just ask my rabbis about how big of a PIA I was to them recently), and I reserve the right to call out the other.
And here's the thing. If a Christian neighbor of mine had a habit of stealing our newspaper (purely hypothetical-- we save trees by reading newspapers online, and our neighbors are all lovely people), I wouldn't generalize to say all Christians are thieves. And I wouldn't say that some people might believe Christians to be thieves because a Christian once stole their newspaper. That's moronic. But the people I mention are in a different category. It is disingenuous to say that they are a small minority. They are on TV because they a) want to be on TV and do things to be on TV, and b) have large followings. The last part is important-- there is a large segment of Christian community who think as they do. This is why these people give Christianity a bad name-- they insinuate themselves into public life, they are loud, and they come with large followings. It wouldn't have occurred to me that these kids would have personal experiences with Christianity strong enough to warrant that type of reaction, and I absolutely meant the loudmouths on TV when I talked about self-inflicted wounds. Going back I see that I did not specify it clearly enough, and I am sorry about that. But when you say that "some people come by those judgments honestly, but a lot of people are merely reacting to the caricature of Christianity that is put out by the media and Hollywood," I take exception on the grounds that with Pat Robertson out there Hollywood really can't damage the image any more than the man does singlehandedly.
And in that sense perhaps it is easier to raise a child in Judaism than in Christianity-- we don't have nearly as many cringe-worthy cultural figures (though I am still looking at you, Senator Lieberman).
I am also not saying that IF the kids are judging all Christians by the actions of the loudmouths on TV, it is right of them to do that either.
What I am saying is that knee-jerking is not a good idea on any side, and that I maintain that the proper response to this situation is talking. To Big J in the first instance, but, possibly, to the wold bunch too. They might appreciate their horizons stretched. Maybe not immediately, but, you know, one day.
ITFL- Yes, that is my hope and my fear. That he will (or won't) find himself able to stand strong in what he believes.
Julia- I probably should have made it clear that this single incident didn't cause me to jump to this particular conclusion. This incident was just one more on a pile of challenges that make me feel the way I do.
Who knows, maybe your son thought that the video and comments were lame. You have taught him and shared your faith with him, now he has to decide for himself when to speak up, when to ignore, and when to internalize.
And you may be able to use this as a conversation opener, I can't imagine that 14 is easy between the two of you.
Oh Friend. I'm sorry about all of it. I'm sorry that it's so hard to raise our kids (and I do agree with you on this) as Christians in a world where media stands so strongly in opposition to our beliefs.
And I am sorry that you are shutting your doors. I hope that the reaction to this post was not the reason for this (although I suspect it was, at least partly). I have greatly enjoyed coming here and feel we have become, in some small way at least, friends.
I will miss you.
Lori, I am commenting on this entry since I couldn't find the comments section in the last one. I understand your decision to call it quits with blogging. I just wanted you to know that your writing about Molly & Joseph definitely made an impact on me. I learned a lot about how I can be a better friend to those who've experienced this kind of profound loss. And about how it feels to go through it, to mourn and grieve and pick up the pieces and try to find the joy in what remains. Thank you Lori for your beautiful writing, your honesty, and your pure heart. I will miss reading your thoughts.
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